I’ve just been for an 8am meditation at the beach followed by a swim and a matcha latte with my next door (but two) neighbour, Kirk here in Venice, LA where I will stay for just under a month. 

I really really feel HOME here. I knew I would but I’m still surprised. 

Anyway. 

Major answers and major inspiration this morning. Kirk asked how I got into what I do (self love coach) and I started telling him why I really got into it. 

I was recalling living in NY as a successful plus size model. Partying hard. Social butterfly. Everything seemed great on the outside. I was OK. But I was empty. Only really looking back in contrast to now being in fullness can I see how empty I really was. At the time I felt ok ish and amongst most people I knew it was probably quite a normal level of happiness.

I was regularly in a new relationship. Until my last very short relationship where it was the straw that broke the camels back. I won’t explain exactly why, but all of a sudden it went from a good situation to a very scary life or death situation where I was very quickly managing his deep emotions. 

I had been in similar but not as intense situations a few times but this was the worst. 

I left him and in that moment I knew he’d be better off in the long run without me, but he didn’t think it at the time. I was being guided. 

When this happened I decided ‘that’s it’ I’m not dating another guy until I figure out why I keep getting myself into this situation. It was too dangerous to go there again. So I went fully cold turkey. 

I also quit my life. Modelling, living in NY, I went vegan, T total, most of my friends, celibate, I quite everything that wasn’t serving me. In fact I just quit everything, I didn’t even know what was and wasn’t serving me then. Just I knew it wasn’t working. 

I bought a house in a park on the outskirts of Manchester a little bit away from everyone I knew back home. Which wasn’t deliberate, but looking back it was so obvious. I was 1000000% guided to buy that house. That’s another story! 

For 6 months I battled it out on my own, read books, got the healthiest I’d ever been. As soon as I got my house I dropped 2 dress sizes in weight overnight. Literally in two weeks I went from a UK size 16-12. Emotional baggage weight. 

My body closed the door on my plus size modelling career that at the time I kind of wanted to keep ajar. 

The biggest thing that happened in those 6 months was I found me. 

I had been dressed up every day for 12 years as Gina the model, or a character for shoots. I didn’t know who I was AT ALL. I would walk into topshop in Oxford rd London and not know what to buy at all. I didn’t know what I liked, I didn’t know what suited me, I didn’t know who I was expressing. (See 2 posts before about self expression) 

In my HOME phase I realised I do know who I am and I can dress myself better than any stylist could. I all of a sudden got a new skill. I would pick up an item of clothing and energetically know if it was a match me for or not. Very clearly. I still do this now. Does it spark joy. Is it a hell yes? If not it’s a no. 

I started to flirt with the idea that my cellulite, large frame, wonky feet, bit if fat that has never gone no matter what I do on my stomach under my bellybutton, hip to waist ratio, height (I was always the shortest in modelling and lied about my height for years) etc etc was all possible to accept. And not just accept but fall madly in love with. This sense of this is how I am, I’m not going to change, I don’t need to change, I’m beyond the parameters of beauty as I am even in my darkest hour, and every man can either like it or lump it. I’m so happy for them to lump it because I feel so whole in this moment. 

This was all brand new to me. But made sense. I wondered why I hadn’t thought of this sooner!!!! 

Anyway I digress. 

It definitely wasn’t always that way. I used to constantly say and wish that I was a petite brunette like my friend @anouskamcgrath and that if I had @sarahTunnicliffe’s body I’d wear denim shorts and a crop top everyday. 

I used to start in the mirror and dislike some of my body (and some of my personality) I would just wish wish wish like crazy I could be thin. And I could be cellulite free. I’d beat myself up for not trying harder at the gym and not dieting enough. I’d stand there and promise myself I’d only eat fruit for a week. Then go binge eat as much chocolate foods as possible. 

Erghhhhhhh it wasn’t really bad. But it wasn’t good! Like I personally didn’t have an eating disorder and I wasn’t making myself sick. But it wasn’t healthy. I wondered why I did it. I was frustrated, unfulfilled, disconnected, unable to feel love for myself and definitely too scared and wounded to feel it from a man. But I was trying because I thought faking in love with a man would be the answer. And in a round about way it was part of it. But I hadn’t worked out I needed to love myself first. 

Stomach is in knots as I recall this! This was meant to be a short insta post. But alas, it’s all flowing out of me into my phone notes!!! 

Once these feelings of self acceptance and love were getting a little more regular.. it felt wonderful. Like reborn wonderful. Free wonderful. Delicious avocado creamy dreamyness wonderful. Not sure why I wrote that but that’s what came up!!! ????

I recall wishing I had someone or something to help me. I tried a lot of things, nutrition, Yoga courses, travelling, Meditation, audio books, books, a 6 week retreat in Costa Rica living in a treehouse and much more. They all helped and brought me closer to home. But they didn’t take me home. 

I wished I had someone to help me fast track it all. Someone who’d been there and got it. Someone qualified (not by a certificate but by experinece of doing it them self) 

I was looking for me now. 

My 5 years from then self now does this for others. 

I just realised profoundly whilst talking to my new buddy Kirk, this is what drives me. This is what it is. This is why I’m so passionate and good at what I do. Not even good at it. A master at it actually (here we go, blowing my own trumpet – well I do teach self love!!!! ????) 

I feel like a master at it. I’ve been in it for years. At first I only really had my own experinece and belief that anything is possible (thanks @anthlowther for teaching me that) to share. Even that looking back is enough. It was enough to start helping people make positive changes. Over the years I’ve trained and taken every course out there, I’ve definitely homed my art. I’ve learned from every single person I’ve spoken to (clients or people I’ve met) 

I’ve become more and more fascinated by what makes people truly feel joy. 

I’ve tuned into my natural power to read what’s really there as apposed to what someone is telling me. As soon as I see someone I know more than they do about them it feels. 

Got myself in trouble with this in my younger years and so I shut it off. 

Now I know how to channel it into helping people be their best self by ultimately loving them self first. 

So there you go. That’s a mish mashed patchy recalling of why I do what I do and why I’ve never felt like I’ve done a days work in my life! 

It’s not that I love my job. I just naturally do it day in day out and it brings me and others so much joy. I’m more than grateful for my gift, my opportunities, the fact my business has never ever had any proper marketing, it’s just been me showing up and sharing what I know works because I wanted me so badly 5 years ago. 

If you’ve read this then well done. It’s 15 times longer than I thought but it’s been a joy to recall and share. I’d love to hear how you relate or of course if you’d like to work with me. This literally feels like the most honest piece I’ve written in years. I’ve tapped into a flow and I’d love to share it with you anyway I can ????

P.S. I keep doing this thing today where I wonder what time it is and then it’s the exact time I think it will be to the minute…