I just felt called to share this with you, since we all have our struggles and sometimes we meet an old version of ourselves over and over again until we learn whatever it is we need to learn and it can be sooooo frustrating. This is how I see it:
Sometimes I still binge eat. :-/
Even after taking all the courses and training i’ve taken.
I learned about emotional eating.
I realised I’d been doing a lot of that.
Learned to decode my cravings.
Looked at the root cause of why I would overeat.
OK, it was more that just simply overeating.
It was basically turning into a crazy, mindless, frantic version of myself and nailing anything and everything I could get my hands on.
Nothing would fill me up.
Back then I had no idea why I would do it.
I would call my mum from my hotel bedroom, where I was staying for modelling jobs and say… Mum I’m doing it again, I’m out of control!
Back then I would eat all the room service food I could get my hands on, the whole contents of the mini bar and anything I’d brought with me. There was only one type of food I wasn’t interested in and that was anything healthy or green (my usual favourite foods)
Then I would still feel unsatisfied.
I’d endlessly text guys I had no intention of meeting up with.
Buy tons of clothes I didn’t need on ASOS
And nope. I’d still go to bed feeling empty.
Then for the next few days after I would be on ‘lock down’ no treats, no wine, no fun. Which was interesting when I was a plus size model. UK size 16. If someone said, Gina you’ve lost weight, I would deny it until I was blue in the face. Losing weight is a BIG no-no in the curve modelling industry.
I would say, no I’m just wearing black, or, no I weighed myself recently and I’m actually weighing more than normal. All BS!!!
But then I was punishing myself for scoffing all the food and not accepting any treats, which were usually always available on curve shoots. It was a weird reality. Can you see the pattern? Binge – restrict – back to ‘normal – binge – restrict and so on…
Fast forward a few years and I thought I’d cracked it.
I’d studied so so much, learned so so much about myself, my body, my pattern’s, quit modelling, moved home to the UK (I had been living in New York) I made all the changes.
I’D FILLED MYSELF UP
As soon as I moved home I lost 2 dress sizes in literally 2 weeks!
I’m not sure if it was the American-sized portions, stress, conditioning from clients and agents to fit a certain size 16 mold or what. I felt like the universe was literally closing the door on my career. It was a scary time.
None of my friends understood. Which was bizarre. I was literally freakin’ out in my baggy (used to be skinny) jeans. I was like…. OMG I’ve lost a stone in weight in 2 weeks and they are like, yeah so what you’ve lost weight, we are all trying to do that you know!
Nobody got it.
I realised I had acquired/become a lot of ‘big girl banter’ I would openly take the piss out of myself, saying things like.
Well, I am a plus size model, so I’d better polish that cheese board off.
I get paid to be the big girl
My whole career hangs on this cheesecake
I’m supposed to be chubby
I look like I ate her
And loads of other pretty mean things that I would NEVER say to anyone else.
All in gest, all negativity in disguise, directed straight at myself to cause a laugh.
Have you ever known someone who pokes fun at them self constantly? Have you ever put yourself down in public? If so why?
It really hit home when one day I was stood with two girls I hardly knew and I cracked a joke that was aimed at me (as the biggest girl of the three of us) But the problem was my mind hadn’t caught up with my rapid weight loss. I was actually slimmer than them and they looked at me like WTF you’ve just insulted us both! Which was not my intention? In the moment I realised what a bitch I was being to myself and I would never poke that kind of ‘fun’ at anyone else. EVER.
The difference is now, sometimes I still over eat or binge eat. Sometimes I don’t make loving, nourishing choices. It’s obviously hard to stop myself if I’m hungover, or poorly, which is ironically when good nutrition is very important. Sometimes all I want to eat is white food – does anyone else get that? Bread, pasta, cheese, bagels, rice, ice cream. Ergh.
But now I am aware of my emotions, usually, quite quickly I can understand WHY it is. Usually, something has upset me, stressed me out or just unsettled me. I will reach for the chocolate.
Then in that moment of awareness, I think, oh yes hello darkness my old friend, I remember you.
I ask myself
Am I hungry
Am I tired
Am I upset
Am I lonely
And one or all of those will be a YES
Then I will start journalling and basically ask myself why.
Because I’m away from my routine I’m binging. Why?
Because I’m on my own and I’m lonely. Why is that a problem?
Because I feel hard done to. Why?
Because I don’t want to be here? Because It’s making me feel like I’m moving backward. Why?
Because I thought my life would be different. Why?
I have huge hopes and dreams and I feel being here is stopping me from getting to them.
…and so on. See what comes up. It is very enlightening.
If you need help asking yourself these question and getting to the bottom of your WHY book a free informal self-love discovery call with me here.
Then I can make a conscious choice whether or not I continue to faceplant everything in sight. Or choose a different option.
Side note – Sometimes it just feels good to eat loads of food with friends and get a food massive food baby and then roll around laughing for a few hours. And, that is ok. It’s just if this is negatively impacting your life more than you choose.
The second difference is that whatever happens, I know I’m just doing my best. I am a human with emotions. Life happens. Everyone has their default way of filling the void. Mine was/is food.
What is yours?
The more I love myself the quicker I get back to making nourishing decisions.
Everything is an opportunity to grow.
What is the point in beating yourself up about anything?
When you are full up of love, adventure, healthy people, food, connection, purpose and anything else that makes your heart sing, its wayyyyyyy easier to eat healthily and love yourself.
Moral of the story – do whatever YOU want, just do it with awareness and deep understanding of the real reason you are doing it.
This week I am soooooooo excited to tell you I am hosting a free SELF LOVE challenge. #selflovein7challenge If you are on a journey of working out how and why to love yourself (and others) more, or feel some support from like-minded women would be good for you, then sister, this is for you. To join the fun click here.