A while back my friend here in Bali asked me:
Gina, I know you and Eric (my partner of two years) are so happy and I love you guys together and hope this will never ever happen. But, if you were to break up do you think that you would still be able to have so much self-love? It’s just that the two people I see “preaching’ in a good way about self-love are both happily loved up in couples and I am single and it’s hard.
I will say, I was on the back of a scooter whizzing through the lanes of Ubud as I listened to this voice note. My initial thoughts were YES, of course, I would.
However, It did get me thinking.
I’m wholeheartedly choosing to be in a conscious couple of which brings me so much joy and shared love. I would be extremely uprooted if that was to end.
I will say though I am confident that I will find a way to get through anything that life has to throw at me. I trust the universe has my back and that everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time. I got through the death of my father seven years ago and used all of that sadness and anger to propel myself into a way better place than before. I believe this made me way stronger, spiritual and more determined to be happy and healthy, both physically and mentally.
Of course, I cannot truly know how I would react. I would hope I would deal with being single well. Or if Eric and I had never met. I would hope I wouldn’t be sat waiting for someone to come and make me feel loved and whole.
Before Eric and I met, I was in the best place of my life. I had had some major realisations in the months before and I was in a state of fully accepting all that I am, my body, my shadows, my stage in life and that everything around me is happening because of the choices I was making. I had taken responsibility. One of the main realisations was that every relationship I had ever had, followed the same pattern. One where I wasn’t able to love. I thought I knew why this was. But it wasn’t that!
I had also had almost a whole year where I did not talk to, text, date, kiss, even flirt with a man at all. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I realised I had had a constant string of guys on the bench since I was about 17. I was unconsciously hurting them over and over, which would then hurt me that I hurt them. It had to stop. I had actively taken myself out of the relationship of any kind world. whether I knew it or not then, I was focusing all of my energy on my relationship with myself.
Fast forward 10 months.
I remember I was sat on a beach in Goa and was looking out to sea with a few friends and I noticed I was feeling 100% whole. On my own. I wasn’t searching for a partner for possibly the first time in my life. I wasn’t searching for anything. I wasn’t trying to change anything. I wasn’t trying to be anyone else. I wasn’t trying to enhance myself in any way. I was just feeling abundant and continuous waves of radical self-love. they had been coming for a while, thick and fast. The real deal. I can remember it so clearly. I was like BOOM i’m there haha (slash shit how do I go about I keeping this feeling forever).
The next thing, a kind of cheeky little test from the universe I think. Now setting the scene here, there weren’t many men on this beach, never mind hot men. It was mostly all women and we were there for two months solid. Then suddenly a very handsome man walks across the beach ala Daniel Craig, right where we were sat. I looked at him and saw his beauty and no need or want to talk to him. Something subtle had shifted. I wasn’t searching for anything from anyone because I had it all already.
I can say this now, back then I would have died if anyone knew this. Pretty much any semi eligible guy I would talk to, (actually they didn’t have to be eligible) I would secretly wonder if they were the one who was going to give me the ability to love. Are you him, are you, are you, are you? It was exhausting. And weird. (Then even if they did talk to me and express interest I would push them away) hence my nickname ‘The ice queen’
So one of the things clients often say to me at this point is, but weren’t you worried you’d be alone forever? Or If you stop looking for someone you might end up an old lady with loads of cats. No. It’s like when you learn to accept your body fully at any size. Yes even 10lbs more than your ideal weight. It’s not that then you just let go. Give up exercising and eat pot noodles forevermore. You can accept yourself fully as you are and still be constantly evolving. You have to evolve. Otherwise, you are slowly dying.
So whilst in India feeling this new sense of wholeness that I had heard many people talk of but had only just realised and felt myself. I happened to be chatting to my gorgeous and wise friend Lauren and she was telling me about her partner. She lit up when she spoke of him. I asked her a million questions about how she was before they met. She told me she was feeling whole and she cosmically ordered him. I was already well into manifesting my desires and considered myself to be pretty damn good at it. However, it certainly hadn’t worked in the man department.
I wrote an extensive list of exactly the partner I wished to attract. How he would feel around me. How I would feel around him. How our friends will feel when they see us. What values he will hold. It was really fun to imagine and really allow myself to be excited by him.
So I was feeling 100% whole in myself. Feeling love from inside. Yet comsically ordering a divine, adventurous, loyal, great communicator, strong, gorgeous man 🙂 Whilst being completely unattached from the outcome. Trusting the universe and divine timing and all that jazz. Yikes that a lot to be doing mentally but it was all coming naturally.
It worked. Less than a week later, Eric and I met and it was love at first sight. Literally. (That is a whole other story!!)
I believe that it was our individual vibrations that matched and led each other to each other. Halleluja.
Before I knew how to love and accept myself fully I was never able to love or accept anyone else fully. FACT.
Before I would numb my emotions, eg sadness or pain because in a nutshell, I didn’t want to ever seem weak or unable to cope. I had a hard shell and I wasn’t looking to break it. What I didn’t know is that YOU CAN’T SELECTIVELY NUMB EMOTIONS – you numb one, you numb ’em all. Eg if you never let yourself cry or feel sad – chances are you aren’t able to feel true love.
So coming back to my friend’s original question. I was in a state of radical self-love and self-acceptance before I was in this relationship. In fact, I believe that is what attracted Eric. The level of love I had for myself I now am able to give that same amount of love to Eric. (Lucky him hehe) That love also spills over to all my family, soul sister clients, friends, animals and random people I meet on planes and trains.
I just love and I am love.
If you are reading this thinking yikes how do I ‘Be Love’ then get in touch, I offer free ‘start your love journey sessions.’
This is what I do.
I help women to be love and find love, which of course is in there all along! <3